Inklings
by infie
Summary: Sam thinks over what he knows of Dean, and begins to understand him a lot better than he expects. Spoiler for Crossroad Blues


Inklings 

- by Infie

* * *

I think I am beginning to understand my brother. 

I've always _known_ Dean. Hell - I lived in his pocket my whole life, til I left, but I don't think I ever quite got him. He's always been kind of remote that way. He's kind of like ... weather. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes knocking you around. Something you don't ask too many questions of. But always there.

I can remember when I was about four years old, waking up and seeing Dean, awake in one of the uncomfortable motel's chairs, perched beside my bed. He'd be watching me sleep, and he'd have a gun in his lap; a weapon half the size he was. Most importantly, he'd be between me and the door. Always. At the time, I didn't know why.

Then there was that time, when I woke up with Dad rocking me and Dean staring at us with shock on his face and a rifle in his hands. I didn't even remember that until the whole Streiga thing. Even now, it's vague. But I do remember one thing.

After that, he'd be between me and the windows, too. For him, it's always been about me - keeping me safe. I always knew it. I always fought it. I can take care of myself.

When Dean's heart failed, I got an inkling of how he must have felt. I couldn't even grasp the idea - Dean, dead? No way. I've never felt anything like that urgency before. If it took someone else's life to save him, well... if I'd known I would have tried another way. But since I didn't, so be it. The guilt was a price I was willing to pay.

I went through ever page of Dad's journal then. Every scribble, every line. And I found this:

_December 4, 1983 ...he never budges from my side, or from his brother. Every morning when I wake up, Dean is inside the crib, arms wrapped around baby Sam. Like he's trying to protect him from whatever is out there in the night._

Another inkling, then.

Dean, comatose. Strangely, I wasn't so afraid that time. I knew he was there, knew he would come back. Believed it, absolutely. If he was aware, was thinking, he was coming back.

Seems Dad knew better. Knowing now what Dad did, I understand a bit more. I would have said that while Dean hunts like Dad, he was nothing like him otherwise, cause Dean always put his family in front of everything, where Dad always put the demon in front of us. But I was wrong. In the end, Dad put Dean in front of his vengeance. I never would have thought it possible, until it happened.

Dad and Dean, they're the same.

Since Dad died, I've been watching Dean. I've been watching him struggle, just like Dad must have after Mom. And I know how that story ended.

Dean is strong. Really strong. And, utterly without compromise. If there is one thing that you can say about him, it is that he is absolutely trustworthy, absolutely going to be Dean. He's been working this since he figured it out. How could he get Dad back - or at least, get him out of hell. It was theory then, but now he knows for sure.

That demon came so close - so much closer than it realised. I think only that unyielding in him, that dedication a plan that's working, got him to follow through. If that demon had waited even another moment to step into that trap, it could have gone a whole other way. If he knew he wasn't going to be able to trap it, he'd have thrown the plan away, and would have gone with something else. It's what he'd do, and like I said, Dean can always be trusted to _be_ Dean.

I know, now. How he felt all those times he took me into danger to teach me to protect myself. All those times he stood between me and the bad things, how he felt when those crazy human hunters took me. I know, cause I feel it all, right now.

In the end, I asked, because I wanted him to tell me I was wrong. I wanted him to tell me, of course it was a trick. Cause that sinking feeling in my stomach was telling me differently.

When I watched Dean turn his face away, I started to believe it. Then, when he reached forward and turned on the radio, I knew it for sure. He'd really considered it. Was _considering_ it.

I think I understand my brother, now.

And I've never been so scared in my life.

**_End_**


End file.
